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Eight Months In - Of Rose Colored Glasses, Weather, and Freedom

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Well, here we are!

Well, here we are.  We have surpassed the 6 month mark and by a couple of months at that.  We are now in our eighth month here.  Why is this significant you ask? Well, my wife and I read a lot of other ExPat blogs and one of the recurring themes is the six month mark.  You see, that is when the rose colored glasses come off.  Allegedly.  No, this is not Paris with its beautiful rose light which inspired the saying.

That much is obvious.  Also obvious?  Our six month anniversary was marred by Mother Nature and as we all know, you don't mess with Mother Nature.  Yes, I'm showing my age a bit with that one.

My point is, we are beyond comparing our initial six month's experience with anyone else's.  Looking at it now I see I was being a bit obtuse in thinking we could anyway.  Everyone has different experiences or alternate takes on said experiences which mold how they feel.  Our experiences have left us somewhat conflicted.  Should I stay or should I go?  I will not speak for my wife though I know how she feels.  This is all on me.  One man's opinion as it were.

So many different fruits and plants.

I want to preface the next paragraph with this: I lived in Jacksonville, FL for so long it feels like my hometown.  I loved living there.  My kids are there as are my parents.  My very best friends are there. It is a beautiful city and like any growing city it is facing its own growing pains.

Now-  In Jacksonville, I heard gunshots on a regular basis.  Hell, we found a slug on our back patio though this is the exception, not the rule.

The year we left Jacksonville was in the process of surpassing their annual record of murders.  I do not like having to say that but sometimes the truth hurts.  As in every large city there are areas that are just bad.  Jacksonville is no exception.  They will figure it out.

I have not heard one gunshot here; have not seen one story where someone was killed by gun. There certainly haven't been any mass murders or school massacres as in other areas of the world (none in Jacksonville either).  No policemen have been killed by gun.  No bombings or mass killing by automobile.  No acts of terrorism.

A view of our home, Crucita from the southern mountain.

That is not a political statement nor am I advocating for pro-gun or gun control. Just stating facts here.  We had earthquakes instead.  That is the trade off I guess.  The bright side?  This massive, devastating earthquake thing will most likely not happen again in my lifetime and if it does, I'll probably be to old to care. If we do experience one of that magnitude again sooner rather than later, I will be much more equipped to deal with it than I was.  It may sound weird but I prefer earthquake to a bullet.

I have no statistical data to back this up but I feel like I have a greater chance of being shot in Jacksonville than I do being killed or seriously injured by an earthquake here.  OK.  Maybe not a very bright side but I feel that way. 

The Pacific as seen from our rooftop.  Good morning!

I think it is safe to say my personal rose colored glasses were broken in the initial terramoto and still I love it here.  I mean I love it here a lot.  Right here and now, Mother Nature notwithstanding.  It helps to remember we are not the only ones going through it.  Our friends here seem to all feel the same way which also helps because I know what we feel is normal. It also helps that friends and neighbors here reach out to check on us and us them.  It does not matter how.

Face to face, Whatsapp, Facebook.  Some days I just want to bug out but that feeling is fleeting. Most days I wake up, head to the rooftop terrace, and drink in that Pacific ocean view.  Then I smile.  I smile because I know I am supposed to be here.  I belong here.  As my wife said, we are home.

Our landlords and amigos, Victor and Deysy (Daisy).

In eight short months we have made many new friends.  There are so many wonderful people here and they are just as interested in us as we are in them. Sometimes they have more questions about us than we about them.  Our local tienda owners are a great case in point. Whenever we go in we buy for a few days at a time.  There are no shopping carts or baskets.  You get the things you can carry, place them on the counter, then go back for more.  As we do it they tell us the names of what we purchase in Spanish.

Then they always want to know the "English" name for it.  We get questions about where we are from, what is the weather like (both hotter and colder than here), do we have mosquitoes there (yes and way more than here!), do we have pets (yes. can you guess what kind?), do we like Crucita (yes we do thanks very much).  Priorities are different.  Yes, there is the need for money but most people seem to be content with life.  Things move slowly.  Stress levels are much lower than in the U.S.  Well, non-earthquake related stress anyway.  You get the point.

Can you say tranquilo (trang-kilo)?  I knew you could!

The ExPats come from everywhere.  Italy, U.S., Canada, Germany, France, Columbia, Brasil, etc.  It makes things interesting from many standpoints.  

I mentioned weather.  It does get hot here in the summer months.  Not as hot as it does where I moved from but some days are close.  It does not stay hot at night at least not most evenings.  You can generally fall asleep with your windows and doors open to reap the benefits of the sea breeze and the sound of the Pacific.

No sound machine needed here.

The summer is also the wet season.  To date I have heard thunder once, seen no lightning, and there has been one serious downpour.  The butterflies are everywhere as they migrate.  We had two stretches of week long (or close) rain.  The rest of the time the rain mostly came at night.  There are many sunny days, tasty waves, and extremely high tides.  Many times the tides cover the Malecon when at their peak.  The hottest time of year was March.  Many locals told us it would be cold soon.  Cold?  This is the Equator.  Frio they said.  Winter is coming.  Yeah right.

The summer months.  Ceiba trees on Crucita farmland.

Then, just before the earthquake something happened.  It got cool.  One day it was hot.  The next day not.  That turned out to be a blessing because we were without power for awhile.  Winter is here.  As promised.  Our A/C is off day and night. It will stay that way until Summer returns. Of course it is not really cold though some nights the wind is strong enough to give you chills.  It is cool here. It is perfect temperature day and night. You can do outside work without breaking a sweat.

There are a lot more overcast days but there is generally a few hours of sun even on these overcast days.  There is no rain to speak of so things get a bit dusty.  The mountains are brown again. The ocean temperature drops a degree or two but not enough to stop us swimming.  The tides now get very low and the beach is huge.  There are different birds around.  The whales will be here soon. August is the coolest month or so I am told.  The whales love it here in August.  It is also the very best time of year to visit the Galapagos Islands.  As the ocean currents turn cold they bring in migrating wildlife en mass.  More on that in August I hope.

Grown on our rooftop.  Mi gusto!

I won't take too much time on food in this post but farm fresh eggs and vegetables are plentiful.  Oranges or naranjas (nar-on-ha-s) are back now.  Peppers or pimientos (pim-e-in-toes) are year round as are onions or cebollas (say-bow-yas) Pineapples or pinas (pee-nyahs) are easily found and delicious.  Limes or limons (pronounced lemons) are back after a brief hiatus.  We have our own tree which produces continuously.  Potatoes or papas (spelled like it sounds) are year round as are the Ecuadorian sweet potato, comote (com-oh-tay).  Simply delicious.  So many fresh beans or frjoles (free-hole-ays) are available we still have not tried them all.  Fish or pescado (pez-cod-oh), shrimp or camaron (cam-ah-rhone) are easily found daily.

I have lost so much weight from eating well and exercise I can fit into a concert tee-shirt I wore in the early 90's.  I now wear mediums comfortably.  I was an extra large just months ago. My blood pressure is down (never all that high to begin with), I no longer smoke, and drinking is now very minimal.  All great things for my health.

So what is not to like?  Well terramotos of course.  My rose colored glasses are as I said, broken and most definitely off.  Should I stay or should I go?  I think we will stay unless something happens that makes it impossible.  Will we stay in Crucita?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  It is a perfect place to begin. Easy access to affordable transportation, food, English speaking friends, and a close proximity to a large city make it very attractive.  As time goes on we may move around the country a bit.  What is it like in the mountains, the true Amazon?  What is it like south of here, closer to Peru?  What is it like in Peru, Columbia, Chile, or Brasil?  Could we end up in one of those places someday?  Maybe. We are free to do as we will and just a few hours travel changes your environment greatly.  We are free.  What can be better than that?  Is our compass slowing swinging northward again?  I think so. Chao!

Note:  As I added pictures to this blog (the last step before publishing) we experienced another tremor or tremblor .  4.2 in strength with the epicenter just off the cost of Manta about 12 kilometers away.  No damage or injuries.  Just nerve racking. 

"I feel the earth, move, under my feet!"

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Tamera's Take: P.T.S.D., CATS, and What the hell am I doing in Crucita Ecuador?

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Tamera's Take is about being here.
Are you ready?  I am.

...going to have to get back to you on that one.

The gully gave way behind the once beautiful house.

It has been about two months since our last post.  Well, my husband's last post. I started this one on June 17, and obviously was not able to finish it. Today is July 17.  I do not know what to say except that since April 16, 2016, I have no idea what I am doing anymore.

On Pandora Radio listening to: "Under Pressure" by Queen (with a little help from David Bowie)

The song seems appropriate.

Too damaged to pass inspection. It will be torn down.

Of course I am talking about since the earthquake.  I cannot even say the "E" word without feeling nausea.  That would be the "T" word in Spanish.  Terremoto

We will just call it, IT.  If you read Stephen King, you will know that IT is just as terrifying.

The first two weeks after it happened I felt a certain amount of shock was normal.  Expected even.  I did my best to keep the shock in check.

Try to be normal.  Try to move forward.  I said these things to myself every day.  I told myself everything was going to be okay.

A month after it happened, I noticed my "shock", or whatever it was, was not subsiding.  The day I started writing this post marked two months.  Yup still there. Somewhere in the back of my mind I kept thinking ever so briefly, "PTSD".  I associated PTSD with soldiers returning from battle; victims of violent crimes; children dealing with death in the family; etc.  So that cannot be what it going on with me.

Remains of beautiful blue windows from nearby house.

I am acquainted with a few counselors, therapists and psychiatrists, both socially and professionally. I used to work at a women's center, which is how I became acquainted socially with several counselors. But here is the thing about that line of work.  Two words.  "Absolute Confidentiality".  They never discussed clients, and I never asked.  So I do not know a lot about the various types of mental illness and how they are diagnosed.

A long time passed before we could walk the beach again.

I know they exist. I know some can be treated; some can only be managed.  I do not think any can be completely cured. I say this from years of personal experience.  I will not say who, when, where, or how I know them personally.  It is confidential, and let's leave it at that.

I finally contacted one of my counselor friends.  P.T.S.D. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Right on the mark.  Damn.

She helped me as much as she could given my location.  Actually she helped me a lot.  She researched and sent me information on free online books about P.T.S.D, online support groups and therapists, etc.  There are even support groups that you can Skype with.

Everyone knows at least one person who suffers from a mental illness. It is an illness that is hard to understand if you have never walked in those shoes.  It is not something people like to talk about.  If you have a broken leg, it is visual.  The pain is something people can relate to.  If you say, oh by the way I suffer from, (fill in the blank), people do not know how to respond or act towards you.  Yet the person with the mental illness is in pain and suffering just as much as the person with the broken leg. Just think about it the next time you meet someone who has Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, P.T.S.D., or any other form of mental illness.

Looking down from the hillside to Crucita

As an extremely introverted person, I analyze everything. Always have.  Always will.  I know I am getting slightly off topic but it seems important for you to know that I thought about the changes in my behavior for the past couple of months.

What were some of those changes?

Crucita fishing boat waiting to go back out to sea.

Separately, they seemed insignificant at first.  However, the more of them I recognized, the more they seemed to start sticking together and forming a black hole in my mind. It was like pieces of me were disappearing.  I am sure I sound crazy at this point, so here are some specific examples.

I started to forget details and events completely.  No recollection at all.

Following a major earthquake, aftershocks are normal for two to three months. I had to look this up. I have no prior experience with earthquakes so I did a lot of research.  It was necessary in order to get through the days (and nights). But I was not able to look any of this up the first week after it happened.  Yes, we had intermittent electricity starting around day 3, but we did not have WiFi for a week.

We live near the ocean. Every time the wind blows, the doors and windows rattle, and I jump out of my skin. Why? Because it sounds and feels like the beginning of an aftershock.

Those aftershocks came.  I read the other day that Ecuador has had over 2,000 aftershocks since April 16.  The aftershocks that I only vaguely remember learning about in school. The only reason I remember the first week of aftershocks we experienced, is because every time one happened, I wrote it down in one of my notebooks.  I had no idea of the measured intensity, since I had no access to any outside communication.  All I could do was write down the time and describe them.  I am not even sure why I was doing this, except that I thought that if there was some pattern, I would see it and know if they were going away or getting worse.

If "worse" then we had to be prepared to leave; even if on foot.  We would not leave the cats. The two Sherpa cat carriers we used to bring our poor cats from Florida to Ecuador, were waiting by the door. I am sure the cats would rather take their chances than get in those carriers again, but in those carriers they would go. We would not be able to bring much else with us. Some dry food, water, change of clothes, hats, sunscreen, Off, sanitizing gel, candles, matches, cash, passports.  I had filled our beach bag with items that we thought were critical if we had to flee.  There was no pattern to those aftershocks.

Every day ready to flee.

Nightmares.  I did not really dream about the earthquake.  I dreamed about tsunamis.  Almost every day.  I still do occasionally.  Thankfully the dreams are getting better.

How does that tsunami dream look?  I am on the third or fourth floor of a building, standing in front of a large window that overlooks the ocean.  I am sure this building represents my house but looks nothing like it.  It is night as I stand in front of this window.  But darkness does not stop me from seeing the wall of ocean water coming towards me.  It is taller than the place I am standing. I do not move.  I do not yell.  I know it is coming and there is nothing I can do.  That is my nightmare.

It is important to say that during this earthquake, we were never in danger of a tsunami.  I do not know why that became my nightmare.

I will speed through some of the other "symptoms" I experienced.

No desire to take walks anymore.
No desire to touch the ocean.
I stopped taking photos.
I forgot nearly every Spanish word I knew.

Every family member and friend wanted to ask me questions and talk about the earthquake.  I did NOT want to talk about it.  At all.  Ever.  But they wanted and needed information.  So with my head spinning, I talked.

I wanted to do things to help other people here in my village or nearby, but I had absolutely no way to do so.  I felt helpless.  I felt even more guilty.  I felt guilty that I was alive and my home survived.


My husband got an Earthquake App for his phone. It sends out an alert of earthquakes/aftershocks in real-time.  So basically an alarm goes off as it happens.  I hate that app.  Every time the alarm went off I went numb.  Every time there was a notification, my husband had to say it out loud.  I finally asked him to stop telling me.  I just could not take it any more.

Sleep is a thing of the past. Before the earthquake I was in bed and asleep early every night.  I woke up between 5:30 - 6:30 am every day.  Now sleep comes as the sun rises if I am lucky.  Am I just afraid to sleep in the dark?  I do not know.  Am I ever going to feel happy again?  I do not know that either. But I hope so.

It is amazing how things can change 180 degrees in the matter of 58 seconds.  That is how long the earthquake lasted, 58 seconds.

Everyone back in the States asks us when are we coming home.  Our response - we are home.  But I would be lying if I did not admit that I miss those familiar people and places back in America.

Gertrude Stein, an American writer, poet, feminist, and playwright once wrote, "America is my country and Paris is my home town".

America is and always will be my country. I have called many places home in my life. Orange Park Florida, Newport Rhode Island, Elmira New York, Tallahassee Florida, Hollywood Florida, Gadsden Alabama, Atlanta Georgia, Jacksonville Florida.

Right now Crucita is my home.  If I am lucky, I will have the chance to call other places home as well.

I have no idea of what the future will look like.  I know what I want it to look like. But that is going to take some time and a lot of adjusting.  Until then, I am just waiting for my compass to point north again.

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